A 31-year-old woman from Essex has been telling Southend News Network that she has decided to abandon her wedding plans and prepare a full-scale invasion of Poland with a view to proceeding through the remainder of Central Europe.
Anna Schluss, who has been juggling her extensive wedding planning with her full-time job as a traffic warden on Southend Seafront, admitted that although her fiancé Bill was disappointed she feels that this move will enable her to fulfil a lifelong dream.
She said: ‘I have been planning every detail of my wedding since I was a little girl, and with a provisional date set for August 2018 I went to a wedding fair in Southend last week for inspiration.’
‘As I was reducing a chair cover saleswoman to tears by constantly swaying between ‘Egyptian Ivory’ and ‘Iranian Ivory,’ I realised that as a prospective bride I have an amazing power to reduce grown human beings to quivering wrecks.’
‘Although I am able to exercise this quality to a certain extent in my day job, I feel that I will only be able to truly fulfil my potential by entering another sovereign nation and taking it by force.’
‘I even managed to get five white ceremonial doves to perform a kamikaze manoeuvre into a neighbouring electricity substation – I’m sure I must have a gift or something.’
According to official statistics from the UK Official Statistics Office, Anna will be one of 38 British brides-to-be who progress from nuptial research to ideological enforcement or full fascism every single year.
In one case back in January 2016, a commodities trader from Thorpe Bay jilted her fiancé at the altar and emigrated to a small Pacific island to take part in an international ethnic cleansing programme.