A Brexiteer from Southend in Essex has been expressing his OUTRAGE at ‘barmy EU rules’ after a change in the rules will effectively force him to only have sex with ‘weak and ineffective’ vacuum cleaners from September 2017.

From this date, all vacuum cleaners with a suction power of more than 900W will be banned from sale in the EU, and Leave-voter Morris La Farge told Southend News Network that it was a ‘disgrace.’

He said: ‘This is exactly why I voted Leave in June 2016. As soon as we are out in March 2016 I will be able to re-purchase the beautiful Pink Hetty Turbo 1250W series that I deserve as a proud British man.’

‘Juncker and his cronies are meddling once again for the sake of meddling – they know full well that anything less than 900W just doesn’t do the job properly.’

‘My current model could suck a bowling ball through a garden hose, but now when my trusty Hetty conks out in three months’ time I will be stuck with the appliance equivalent of an 85-year-old hooker – close but no cigar.’

‘It’s like these Eurocrats don’t live in the real world.’

‘Whatever next? Four-slice toasters being banned because triple decker club sandwiches lead to obesity?’

Jerome Robsonne is head of the European Commission for European Safety, and he told Southend News Network that the change in the rules will benefit the environment.

He added: ‘After March 2019 you Brits can destroy all the rainforests you want with your super-powered vacuum cleaners.’

‘The majority of you are only trying to hoover up Coco Pops off a lino floor anyway. Talk about a sledgehammer to crack a nut.’