BREAKING NEWS: A sinkhole has appeared in Leigh Broadway this morning, with local witnesses reporting that a hole the size of a small dinner plate has become visible next to some double yellow lines. According to a local geological expert, the sinkhole has appeared as the town is in ‘serious danger’ of disappearing up its own arse, with repeated attempts to profit from organic quinoa and fairtrade mineral water being blamed for the emerging emergency.
Professor Barry Trou of the University of Benfleet added: ‘For a number of years now, the entire town of Leigh On Sea has got closer and closer to disappearing up its own backside, and now it seems like it is finally happening. If something isn’t done about this sinkhole as soon as possible, there is a very real danger that coffee shops charging £4.29 for an Americano will be the first establishments to get sucked in, and the vendors of Peruvian quinoa will be the next victims. Road maintenance teams could step in and repair the damage, but in all likelihood another sinkhole will just pop up further down the road – probably outside a shop that doesn’t really appear to be selling anything where the owner is raking in £450,000 a year by prancing around in a silly little hat.’
Leviathan Montrose-Nash, owner of swanky wanky eaterie Le Pamplemousse Confondu, told our Chief Reporter that the sinkhole isn’t going to affect the running of his restaurant and delicatessen today. He said: ‘The people of Leigh On Sea will come together as an artisan and humanitarian community to fight these sinkholes at every opportunity. For every sinkhole that appears, we will collectively be able to fill them with a mixture of concrete, tarmac and smug, and a lot of my customers have already said that they should just be left open to the elements as living and breathing ‘Living Art’ exhibits. If enough of them pop up all over Leigh On Sea, we could even have a guided tour around them on a regular basis, with local art experts giving a detailed commentary about how each sinkhole is a damning and vibrant indictment of modern society as a whole or some utter fucking bollocks like that.’