Officials have confirmed in the last few minutes that today’s scheduled FA Cup Final between Manchester United and Crystal Palace has been POSTPONED for at least 7 days after traffic chaos caused a number of issues early on Saturday morning. According to a spokesperson for the Mid and Southern Tactical Cybernautics Division, thousands of vehicles are currently ‘stranded’ due to total gridlock on a number of motorways to the south and west of the M25, and chiefs are confident that the match will go ahead at Wembley Stadium without any issues on Saturday 28th May. 

Division spokesperson Michael Fairweather said: ‘Although we have spent a number of weeks planning for the deployment of road controls all over the country, our officials were entirely unprepared for the sheer volume of Manchester United fans making the trip to Wembley from Cornwall, Sussex and Kent. Our advance forecasts made a number of assumptions about the flow of traffic due to the club’s physical location in the north of England, but it has now emerged that these predictions were clearly incorrect. We would like to extend our largest apologies to anyone who is stuck on the M5 in Somerset as this is a form of horror that no motorist should have to endure.’

Officials from both clubs weren’t willing to comment on the matter, but a source within Manchester United contacted our Chief Reporter. He said: ‘This is a probably a smart move for all concerned, and as it happens our team coach wasn’t scheduled to arrive at Wembley until four hours after full-time anyway. We had some difficulties this morning when the first team squad boarded a fake team coach that had been left over from a training exercise, but the extra week’s preparation time should now save anyone from any embarrassment.’


  1. Given the gridlock on our roads I’m wondering if those currently stuck in traffic on the M25 (etc) will still be able to arrive there by the 28th. It is slow going out there…