The A127 is currently closed at the Fairglen Interchange. For anyone who isn’t familiar with the area, this basically means that the major route out of South Essex is basically fucked beyond belief, and they might as well build a fucking Premier Inn in the middle of the Sadler’s Fucking Farm roundabout. 

Local motorist Stanley Still said: ‘It’s not just fucked. It’s like proper fucked, like someone pissing Lambrini onto a soggy kebab wrapped outside The Kursaal on a Friday night.’

‘People should just use the A13. Oh wait that’s fucked as well? Even after they spent like a billion fucking quid on it. Bastards.’

A spokesperson for Essex Highways began to deliver a brief statement before falling to his knees and begging the Gods of motoring to forgive his eternal soul.

Steve Reynolds, chairman of the 2016 Lucifer Admission Committee, told Southend News Network that he could ‘fuck right off.’ He added: ‘That ship has sailed motherfucker.’