The United Kingdom Bowls Alliance has ruled that the 2017 Essex Bowls Champions League finals will have to be replayed after the winner of Saturday’s final tested positive for anabolic steroids.
Concerns were first raised about the champion Darryl ‘Peanuts’ Doherty, 38, during the last leg of the grand final against Nigel ‘Nipper’ Norris after Doherty rolled a wood into the rear gutter and bit a chunk out of the jack in a blind rage.
Official Reginald Prodder said: ‘After he was given a three-point penalty for violent conduct, he threatened head umpire Rowan Cohen with ‘castration.’
‘His girlfriend Cheryl managed to diffuse the situation a few minutes later by handing him a pair of turkey drumsticks and a tub of white fish.’
‘After 20 Minutes in the changing room, he returned to complete his victory, although he appeared to be incredibly agitated and accused a nearby hand towel dispenser of whispering something anti-Semitic.’
‘After the trophy presentation, anti-doping officials selected him for testing, and his sample has come back positive for a number of banned anabolic substances.’
‘Weepalone in particular has been prohibited on the professional bowls circuit since 1999.’
Doherty’s ex-girlfriend Chanelle Ardonne said that she ‘wasn’t surprised’ with the test results.
She added: ‘Let’s be honest. How many bowls players are there with 19-inch arms and raisin-sized testicles.’
‘He’s got a pair of double d’s as well. No wonder his rivals called him Dolly Parton Darryl.’
It’s the second doping scandal to hit Essex in a week after a test on the Essex Golf Classic winner Kevin McGoonagan came back positive for amphetamines.
Suspicions were reported when the tournament referee noticed he had played a whole round of 18 holes without falling asleep.