A spokesperson for the Conservative Party has confirmed that residents of Basildon will be exempt from plans to automatically add all UK citizens to the organ donors register.
According to Tory junior minister Jeremy Spunkton, members of the public would have to opt out if they didn’t want their organs to be used after their death.
However, he also said that anyone who lives in Basildon would not be part of the scheme, mainly because ‘those in dire medical need wouldn’t want a liver that looks like a an explosion in a Greggs factory with undertones of White Lightning.’
He added: ‘94% of organ donations from Basildon, Pitsea and Wickford currently get rejected at the screening stage because frankly I wouldn’t stick them in a dog.’
‘A contact in the Essex Pathological Service told me last week that a lady in Laindon gave blood and it was 62% proof.’
‘There was a little girl who received some lung tissue from a woman in Vange and now every time she coughs the words ‘fiver a time mate’ just pop out.’
‘She’s already been suspended from infant school seven times this term.’
Under the controversial proposals made in Mrs May’s speech, it is thought that waiting lists for many life-saving operations will fall dramatically.
Bert Backgammon from Southend is currently on the priority register for a new set of testicles, and he told Southend News Network that he has already had a failed transplant.
He said: ‘I had one new pair from a local guy last year, and every time I try to start a fight with someone I’m all mouth before they swing a punch and I go and hide in a bush.’