A bakery in Southend On Sea has admitted that they have been forced to remove Cherry Bakewells from their shelves after a ‘violent’ group of religious protestors stormed their shop over the ‘sexually explicit’ sweet treat. 

Mammton and Sons owner Horace Mammton told our Chief Reporter that he was left ‘fearing for this life’ after the attack by a group calling themselves ‘The Essex Decency Moderates’ on Saturday morning. 

He said: ‘Shortly after we opened on Saturday morning, ten large men in balaclavers stormed into our shop armed with baseball bats and machetes. They held up a black garbage sack and ordered my staff members to fill it with every ‘disgustingly explicit Cherry Bakewell in the store.’

‘The group’s leader then told me that their design portrays female nudity in an unacceptable manner when paired together. I pleaded with him to allow us to change the position of the glacé cherry to make it less sexually suggestive, and he responded by drop-kicking the sausage roll cabinet – that will cost £1000 to replace.’

‘They could hear police sirens in the distance, and so as they all ran out of the shop the leader said: ‘No more Cherry Bakewells. Next time, there’ll be no next time.’

Southend Trading Standards confirmed that a ‘religiously-motivated’ incident had taken place, and a spokesperson said: ‘It is vital that all Southend-based businesses sell goods that are sensitive to the religious and cultural sensitivities in their own local community.’

‘While we will never condone this level of violence, at the same time we must call for tolerance by shopkeepers to keep this level of attack to an absolute minimum.’

‘Until we are able to organise an ongoing dialogue between bakeries and the local community on this matter, we would suggest that Cherry Bakewells are removed from sale.’

‘We would also advise caution when displaying London Cheesecakes as they could be interpreted as portraying an elderly ‘lady garden.’ Changing the colour of the fresh cream in Chocolate Eclairs may also be advisable.’