A spokesperson for Arsenal Football Club has confirmed that Arsenal manager Arsène Wenger has resigned after their away defeat at Crystal Palace.
He said: ‘Shortly after the final whistle, Arsène Wenger resigned his Arsenal contract and extended it until May 2077. The utter catastrophe tonight made him think that this was a great time to try his luck.’
‘As he was walking down the tunnel, he pulled a roll of papers out of his back pocket, folded them over and shoved them under the Chief Executive’s nose.’
‘He said that his friend’s kid wanted an autograph, and as soon as he signed it he unfolded the contract and ran off giggling into the dressing room while cackling ‘il l’a signé c’est incroyable.’
‘A PR officer also overheard him shouting ‘they will never dethrone the dear and eternal leader.’
‘This was followed by ‘Robert Mugabe ain’t got shit on me. Ain’t no poppin’ this motherfucker.’
‘He must have picked up that little trick from the episode of Only Fools and Horses when Del Boy signs that singing dustman for a gig.’
In a statement, Arsenal President Sir Fish Chiswick said that Wenger was ‘the perfect choice’ to lead the club for the next 60 years.
Sir Fish added: ‘To fair to Arsène, the team normally sheds its collective spine in November, so this is a massive fucking improvement.’
‘We have also told him that he has a massive warchest for the opening of the Summer transfer window. The standard of craftsmanship is extraordinary.’