Arsenal have reportedly pulled out of a deal to sign the out of favour Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney because there isn’t room at their training ground for his tyre on a rope.
According to sources within the club, a deal had been agreed in principle for the star goal scorer.
However, the negotiations hit a stumbling block when his agent demanded the installation of the leisure accessory at their London Colney training complex close to the M25.
He added: ‘We were told that Wayne insists upon having a tyre on a rope so that he has somewhere to go and calm down when a nasty tackle flies in on the training pitch.’
‘At other times, he just sits on it and reflects while picking tiny insects out of another player’s hair.’
‘Unfortunately, we don’t have any suitable trees at London Colney.’
‘Wenger said that unless any trees were available for free he would have to pull out of the deal.’
‘Our 76-year-old tea lady Doreen was even going to dress all sexy and everything.’
The news has come on the same day that Chelsea star Diego Costa’s multi-billion pound move to Chinese outfit Guangdong Dingdong collapsed after the club were reluctant to provide the Brazilian with a weekly pallet of live badgers to satisfy his unquenchable bloodlust.
With the club telling Costa that he is no longer required at Stamford Bridge, it is now looking likely that he will be taken to a local auction in a few weeks and sold for parts.