An 8-year-old England fan from Southend has begged his parents to put him to bed after Iceland took a 2-1 lead in the match. Little Jack Holmes, who also has a number bonds test at school tomorrow, has admitted that at the very least they should turn over to Eastenders or he will have no option but to call Childline.

Jack said: ‘Mummy and daddy are making me sit through this absolute shower of shite, and our goal wasn’t even from open play. I knew this whole evening would be a waste of time after the turkey twizzlers were burnt, and all daddy keeps saying is that Raheem Sterling is about as much use as a chocolate teapot. I’m worried that I will be called a racialist if I say that in show and tell tomorrow.’

Mum Adele added: ‘That guy who scored like a thousand goals for Leicester last season is just sitting there in a bib next to the pitch. Surely he would do better if he was playing. It’s weird how Iceland only has a population of 300 people and a pot of Skyr and they are doing really well.’