76 women are recovering in Southend Hospital tonight after a Facebook mum posted a 700-word comment on a local mums group without a single piece of punctuation. According to an A&E doctor, they all tried reading the post out loud and ended up collapsing due to oxygen deprivation caused by a lack of breathing. 

Shortly after 4pm on Monday afternoon, a user called Shell Mummytits Basookaton posted on ‘Four Fifths of Mothers Southend’ about how she wanted to ‘break her next door neighbour’s face’ for filming her children playing noisily in her garden and she was looking for legal advice.

Unfortunately, her 700-word expletive, emoji and occasional nonsense-filled rant didn’t contain a single piece of punctuation or grammar, and around 20 minutes later local 999 call handlers reported a massive spike in emergency ambulance callouts – we have chosen not to reprint the Facebook posts in the interests of safety. 

Dr Mahatma Comma spoke to our Chief Reporter during his ‘frantic’ shift at Southend Hospital. He said: ‘Once again, reckless and illiterate Facebook posting has led to a large-scale public health catastrophe.’

‘When the average Facebook mum group user sees a really long post, they tend to read it out loud as this helps them to really get a sense of what is going on. However, this particular post had no punctuation whatsoever, and by about word 200 most of these emergency cases had passed out due to a lack of opportunities to pause for breath.’

‘While most of the ladies were treated with oxygen and buttered toast, we have four ladies who suffered an aneurysm and a premature labour. People don’t realise just how damaging a Facebook post of this nature can be.’

‘To make matters worse, she finished the post with ‘TIA’ and so we all thought that she was having a mini-stroke.’

Police have now arrested Ms Basookaton and charged her with attempted murder, ABH and disjointed conduct.