A 35-year-old woman from Southend is in a stable condition this afternoon after her self-obsessed list of Christmas gift requirements got aggressively inserted up her bottom.
Adele Hatler told our Chief Reporter that 132 items may have been ‘over the top’ for someone who isn’t a petulant seven-year-old girl.
Ms Hatler of Fairfax Drive added: ‘Nothing brings out the spontaneous joy of Christmas like emailing, texting, Facebook messaging and verbally communicating a detailed list of Christmas demands to your nearest and dearest.’
‘I even made it clear that straying from the officially-designated gift items would result in admission to a local hard labour camp just to brighten the mood.’
‘I realise that the festive season is a two-way period of goodwill, which is why I have been making a daily request to see everyone else’s gift list since August.’
‘Why the hell would I want people buying things for me that I haven’t asked for? If wedding couples can do it then surely I can as well.’
Southend Hospital chief of rectal cavity exploration Dr Irving Periscope told us that the removal operation will be a ‘complex procedure.’
He added: ‘Keyhole surgery will not be an option as her gift list is firmly lodged in her lower intestine – it must have had some serious force behind it.’
‘However, we do have another option on the table if it stays in one piece. Ms Hatler can simply retrieve it with a fishing line the next time that she is up there during a rant about how unsymmetrical the tree decorations have become.’