18-year-old’s have been excitedly tearing open envelopes all over the country this morning to see exactly where they will accrue more than £40,000 of crippling debt and drink alcohol until their internal organs just wave a white flag and scream ‘fuck off.’
Newspapers and TV crews have been scrambling for photos of the most shaggable amongst them, even if they have ended up with four E’s and an honourable mention in social media studies.
Esmerelda Pis-Flap from Leigh On Sea told Southend News Network that she was ‘delighted’ with her results that will allow her to read biochemistry at Cambridge and not have to mix with the ‘normal people’ that had made her last seven years of schooling in Southend ‘an utter hell.’
She added: ‘To be honest, this just goes to show that with the right amount of dedication, effort, and a set of parents who are willing to pay for 25 hours of additional tutoring per week, anyone can achieve four A’s.’
However, not everyone was celebrating today. Dan Smith told our Chief Reporter that he had narrowly missed out on getting a place on his chosen course studying the internet and stuff at the University of West Horndon.
He said: ‘I don’t understand it – I passed my 11+ a few years back and so I assumed that A-Levels would be a formality.’
‘I guess I will just have to go and get a job in the real world and buy a house or something while my contemporaries leave home and learn about the value of clearly marking their 4-pint carton of milk in a communal fridge.’
EDITORS NOTE: Disappointed with your grades today? Left feeling like you could have done better? Jealous of how well your friends have done?
Don’t be! Your Chief Reporter got an ‘E’ in General Studies and is now in charge of a mildly successful satire site that has made a monkey out of The Sun and Katie Hopkins.