TRUMP PROSTITUTE: Donald ‘too tight’ to pay for the full Brown Derby

The sex worker at the centre of the allegations that Donald Trump paid a prostitute to urinate on a hotel bed used by the Obamas has said...

EU BANS 99 ice creams as Flake is ‘choking hazard’

A spokesperson for the EU Food Safety Commission has confirmed that 99 ice creams in their current form will be banned from sale throughout the European Union...

Wine Gums ARRESTED in Operation Rowntree

A packet of Wine Gums was arrested during the early hours of Tuesday morning after officers obtained a warrant to search his home as part of Operation...

Essex singer REFUSES to perform at Trump ceremony after ‘pussy incident’

Essex-based singer Annie Humphrey has sensationally REFUSED to perform at Donald Trump's inauguration ceremony on January 20th in Washington after allegations emerged that the president-elect 'grabbed Annie's...

SPAIN: Brits who say ‘servezzers’ will be DEPORTED after Brexit

The Spanish foreign minister Estrella San-Miguel has confirmed that all British nationals who say 'servezzers' will be DEPORTED once the United Kingdom has left the European Union.  It...

Local business Twitter account accidentally retweets HARDCORE PORN

The owners of a Twitter account that retweets local business content must have been left red-faced today after it retweeted HARDCORE PORNOGRAPHY.  Jive Local (@JiveLocal) links to jivemap.com...

SHOCK as ex-reality TV star shows cleavage in public

Members of the public have been describing their SHOCK after an ex-reality TV star was spotted in public with visible cleavage and immaculate make-up. In a further shocking...

TWO INCHES expected in Basildon tonight

A 23-year-old woman from Basildon has confirmed that two inches are expected in Basildon tonight.  Many forecasters have already predicted anything up to eight inches in Southend.  Shell Garridge...

Volvo introduces LANE WARNING SYSTEM to alert drivers that are only using one

A spokesperson for the Swedish car manufacturer Volvo has confirmed that all of their new vehicles will be fitted with a lane warning system from mid-2017.  According to...

MAY: ‘Tories probably responsible for a load of mental health issues anyway’

In a passionate speech about a fresh approach to tackling mental health issues in Britain, Prime Minister Theresa May said that the Conservatives were probably only fixing...