Artist's Impression of Southend's very first nudist beach.

With plans for the upcoming lagoon on Southend Seafront beginning to gather pace, local parents have reacted with outrage at the news that council planning officials could be FORCED to approve plans for the county’s very first nudist beach next to the proposed development. Although applications for naked bathing areas usually take the need for decency and the needs of surrounding visitors into account, it has emerged that a 20m stretch of beach on Western Esplanade currently has official permission to act as a nude bathing site until 1st August 2064.

Jason Wobblage is a local expert in planning law, and he explained the situation to a Southend News Network reporter. He said: ‘In the mid-1960’s, it was the era of free love and sexual expression, and combined with the fact that most British civil planners were on LSD it was only a matter of time before someone took advantage and tried get permission for a nudist beach. I have looked at the archived legal documents, and it seems that this exact stretch of sand can be legally used for naked sunbathing until the summer of 2064. 100 years of so called ‘nudie rights’ were granted on the grounds that any investor would need a long-term lease to ensure that the enterprise would be able to trade for long enough without the danger of going belly-up.’

Because the documents have been rubber-stamped by the South Essex Supreme Court of Tourist Development, a legal authority that was disbanded in 1979 after the ‘Chalkwell Cocaine Wonderland’ scandal, Southend Council officials have confirmed that they are powerless to stop a nudist beach opening in full view of more than 100,000 family-based visitors per year. They will even be stopped from building decency screens as there is currently a ban on any new structures of more than 75cm in height due to concerns over cliff slippage.

Roger Lotsby, a concerned parent, is naturally against the plans. He said: ‘Southend is really going to the dogs in 2016. First of all we had the swinging club meeting at Waitrose on a weekly basis, and now they are going to blow millions on a permanently-wet lagoon where parents and children will be confronted by the sight of ‘free spirits’ who are putting everything on display. It won’t even be like those beaches you hear about in Italy if the average August Saturday between the Kursaal and the pier is anything to go by – some of those sun-seekers have their own gravitational pull.’

In another late development, pay-as-you-use telescope manufacturer Gawp Corp has confirmed ten new clifftop locations for their tourist scopes in the town.